Quotes

Random Funny Quotes and Sayings

Children nowadays are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannise their teachers. -Socrates

Children really brighten up a household - they never turn the lights off. -Ralph Bus

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.-Mark Twain

Communism is like prohibition, it's a good idea but it won't work.-Will Rogers

Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.-Spike Milligan

Critics are like eunuchs in a harem; they know how it's done, they've seen it done every day, but they're unable to do it themselves.-Brendan Behan

Dancing: the vertical expression of a horizontal desire.-George Bernard Shaw

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock.-Will Rogers

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house.-Henny Youngman

The key is not to think of death as an end. But think of it more as a very effective way of cutting down on your expenses.-Woody Allen

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.-Mark Twain

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.-Emo Philips

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me and she said 'no'.-Woody Allen

If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.-Woody Allen

If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?-Lily Tomlin

Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it.-Charles D. Warner

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.-Will Rogers

Experience is the name every one gives to their mistakes.-Oscar Wilde

Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love.-Woody Allen

Don't have a cow, man.-Bart Simpson

Don't keep a man guessing too long - he's sure to find the answer somewhere else.-Mae West

Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you.-Groucho Marx

Don't marry a man to reform him - that's what reform schools are for.-Mae West

Don't talk to me about Naval tradition! It's nothing but rum, sodomy and the lash.-Winston Churchill

A man in the house is worth two in the street.-Mae West

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.-Groucho Marx

A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it is written on.-Sam Goldwyn

A woman drove me to drink, and I never even had the courtesy to thank her.-W.C. Fields

A woman is only a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke.-Rudyard Kipling

Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue.-David Brent

Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made.-George Burns

Ah, beer, my one weakness. My achilles heel, if you will.-Homer Simpson

As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" - probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.-Woody Allen

All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.-Mark Twain

Although prepared for martyrdom, I preferred that it be postponed.-Winston Churchill

Always do right - this will gratify some and astonish the rest.-Mark Twain

Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them so much.-Oscar Wilde

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.-Mark Twain

Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.-Benjamin Franklin

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.-Mae West

Biologically speaking, if something bites you, it is more likely to be female.-Desmond Morris

But a lifetime of happiness! No man alive could bear it: it would be hell on earth.-George Bernard Shaw

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.-Socrates

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.-Groucho Marx

Ah, good ol' trustworthy beer. My love for you will never die.-Homer Simpson

All animals are equal but some are more equal than others.-George Orwell

All the things I really like are either immoral, illegal or fattening.-Alexander Woollcott

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to rouse the interest, but long enough to cover the essentials.-Ronald Knox

A hard man is good to find.-Mae West

A man can be short and dumpy and getting bald but if he has fire, women will like him.-Mae West

A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished.-Zsa Zsa Gabor

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That's his.-Oscar Wilde

An orgasm a day keeps the doctor away.-Mae West

Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have declared you legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.-Woody Allen

Another such victory, and we are undone.-Pyrrhus

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.-Groucho Marx

Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly.-Mae West

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.-Erma Bombeck

A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.-George Bernard Shaw

A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.-Bob Hope

Ask me no questions, and I'll tell you no fibs.-Oliver Goldsmith

Avoid employing unlucky people. Throw half of the pile of CVs in the bin without reading them.-David Brent

Bart, stop pestering Satan!-Marge Simpson

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!-Homer Simpson

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be in my bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.-Woody Allen

A lot of baby boomers are baby bongers.-Kevin Nealon

A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.-Yogi Berra

A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, "At my age, I don't even buy green bananas."-Claude Pepper

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.-Lana Turner

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.-Jerry Seinfeld

A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.-Bill Cosby

All men are equal before fish.-Herbert Hoover

All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.-Casey Stengel

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.-Bill Cosby

Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.-Hedy Lamarr

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.-Groucho Marx

As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.-Buddy Hackett

Every man over forty is a scoundrel.-George Bernard Shaw

For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have.-Woody Allen

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.-John F. Kennedy

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.-Groucho Marx

Give a man a free hand and he'll try to put it all over you.-Mae West

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet!-Saint Augustine

I'm undaunted in my quest to amuse myself by constantly changing my hair.-Hillary Clinton

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me.-Elayne Boosler

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.-Joan Rivers

If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets.-Mel Brooks

If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?-Lily Tomlin

First law on holes - when you're in one, stop digging.-Denis Healey

Football is all very well a good game for rough girls, but not for delicate boys.-Oscar Wilde

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.-Laurence J. Peter

Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.-Rita Rudner

Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.-Rita Rudner

Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.-Rita Rudner

Men like women with a past because they hope history will repeat itself.-Mae West

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.-George Carlin

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.-Rita Rudner

It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes.-Jay London

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.-Dave Barry

Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache.-Mae West

Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage.-Ambrose Bierce

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.-Mae West

Marriage is popular because it combines the maximum of temptation with the maximum of opportunity.-George Bernard Shaw

Men are all alike - except the one you've met who's different.-Mae West

Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.Rita Rudner

Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.-Woody Allen

Love may be blind, but it can sure find its way around in the dark!-Author Unknown

As I get older, I just prefer to knit.-Tracey Ullman

Be obscure clearly.-E. B. White

Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly.-P. J. O'Rourke

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.-Jim Carrey

Don't worry. Being eaten by a crocodile is just like going to sleep. In a giant blender.-Homer Simpson

Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?-Homer Simpson

Dublin University contains the cream of Ireland - rich and thick.-Samuel Beckett

Eternity is really long, especially near the end.-Woody Allen

Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.-Will Rogers

Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.-Mae West

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.-Will Rogers

Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.-Rita Rudner

'Goodness, what beautiful diamonds!' 'Goodness had nothing to do with it'.-Mae West

I'm an idealist. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way.-Carl Sandburg

Miami Beach is where neon goes to die.-Lenny Bruce

Moderation is a virtue only in those who are thought to have an alternative.-Henry A. Kissinger

Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.-Bill Vaughan

Last week I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement.-Mark Twain

Let us all bask in television's warm glowing warming glow.-Homer Simpson

Life is divided up into the horrible and the miserable.-Woody Allen

Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day, and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.-Homer Simpson

Most of the time I don't have any fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.-Woody Allen

Mr. Right is coming. But he's in Africa and he's walking.-Oprah Winfrey

My husband and I fell in love at first sight. Maybe I should have taken a second look.-Woody Allen

My father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic.-Spike Milligan

My feelings - as usual - we will slaughter them all.-Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf

(On US soldiers attacking Baghdad.)

My fellow Americans, I am pleased to tell you I just signed legislation which outlaws Russia forever. The bombing will begin in five minutes.-Ronald Reagan

(US president during radio microphone test.)

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.-Ed Furgol

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.-Groucho Marx

I've often said, the only thing standing between me and greatness is me.-Woody Allen

Know your limitations and be content with them. Too much ambition results in promotion to a job you can't do.-David Brent

My parents stayed together for forty years. But that was out of spite.-Woody Allen

My wife and I tried to breakfast together, but we had to stop or our marriage would have been wrecked.-Winston Churchill

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech - every now and then she stops to breathe.-Jimmy Durante

My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.-Groucho Marx

Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.-Carl Zwanzig

Eagles may soar high, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.-John Benfield

Eat my shorts.-Bart Simpson

English - Who needs that? I'm never going to England!-Homer Simpson

Epitaph for a dead waiter - God finally caught his eye.-George S. Kaufman

My name is Saddam Hussein. I am the president of Iraq, and I want to negotiate.-Saddam Hussein

(To US troops who captured him in a hole in the ground near Tikrit.)

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.-Woody Allen

I've been looking for a girl like you - not you, but a girl like you.-Groucho Marx